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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26647642">Despair</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riyusama/pseuds/Riyusama'>Riyusama</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lim-Ilnyckyj Family Stories (a/b/o au) [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Buzzfeed: Worth It (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alpha!Andrew, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Blood, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Married Couple, Miscarriage, omega!steven</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:41:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,352</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26647642</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riyusama/pseuds/Riyusama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Steven is a workaholic and Andrew a pedant. They both had their strengths and weaknesses, both making up for what the other lacks. Where Steven was the energetic ball of sunshine, Andrew in return was like a cool night that lulls you to relax. </p><p>They were perfect for each other, but that didn't mean they were perfect people.</p><p>-----------<br/><b>SAD ALTERNATE ENDING</b> for the Standrew a/b/o family AU. The series will still be continued with happy and fluffy oneshots, but I just needed some heavy angst in this otherwise too happy story lmao</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Andrew Ilnyckyj/Steven Lim</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lim-Ilnyckyj Family Stories (a/b/o au) [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915810</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Despair</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>*slams hand on the table* If I'm unhappy with life then, WHY do my favourite characters get to be happy?! FUCK THEM. I WILL MAKE THEM SUFFER lmao</p><p>no but seriously, you guys should already know by now that i LIVE for angst and despair and shit. Well, as the title says, which is quite fucking literally <b><i>DESPAIR</i></b>. There will be almost next to no happy moments here, just pure unadulterated suffering, anguish, and pain. And tbh? I really felt this bitch when I wrote it, it quite literally hurt me too so yeah lmao a rollercoaster ride for you guys!</p><p>Feel free to skip this shot if you just want the fluffy stories lmao</p><p>Tbh, Despair was like supposed to be a temporary title but like as I finished this, I realized I have no other title that quite literally incorporates and describes the fic perfectly lmao so yeah, enjoy guys~</p><p><b>Last note:</b> this fanfic takes place after the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26379265">Overtime</a> oneshot.</p><p><b>UPDATE:</b> I forgot to link to you guys the song I was listening to when I was writing this~ here it is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IF3VE9rhO7k&amp;ab_channel=l0user">What fall in love feels like but the depressed neighbor plays that song one hour in a row</a>. Enjoy lmao</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Recently, Steven’s been feeling brief pain in his lower back and abdomen. He usually doesn’t pay much attention to it, shrugging it off to overworking himself. He has since then refrained from working late since he and his husband had gotten into an argument about it recently. In all honesty, Steven will admit that this was his fault, he’s always very insecure and anxious that he ends up overthinking a lot.</p><p>“Hey, do you think you could help me out with some research Steven?” Ryan asked him and the silveret turned around in his chair to face the other.</p><p>“Yeah? What is it?” Steven said, ready to help out in any way he can since he was pretty much finished with work anyway.</p><p>“There’s this haunted house we want to film at in California,” Ryan told him and he gave a file to Steven. As soon as Steven reached out for the file, there was a sudden shock of pain from his abdomen. Steven’s hand curled at the pain, making him crouch down a second. “Hey, are you alright?” Ryan said suddenly worried as he stood up from his seat. “Steven,” He placed a hand on the silveret’s back.</p><p>“Should I get Andrew-” Ryan asked but was cut off by the silveret.</p><p>“No, no, it’s fine,” Steven breathed out as the pain slowly ebbed away and he sat back up straight again. “It’s just, I’ve been getting these weird cramps recently. This is the first time it hurt like that.” He admitted.</p><p>“Well, that doesn’t sound good?” The raven told him with an arched brow. “How many months are you in again?”</p><p>“Third,” Steven shrugged and he rubbed his stomach with a smile. “Don’t worry, it was probably nothing. I think maybe I’ve been sitting down for too long, my lower back hurts as well.”</p><p>“Yeah, maybe we should get Andrew,” Ryan says as he scratched the back of his head. “I mean, you have been sitting down for a long time, but you looked like you were really in pain earlier.”</p><p>Steven pouted, he didn’t want to worry the blond all the more. He was about to say something about it, but he got distracted when he saw Andrew come into their office, looking like he had just finished shooting a video at Tasty.</p><p>“Hey baby,” Andrew immediately came to Steven, leaning down to kiss his husband.</p><p>“Just the guy we were talking about!” Ryan said.</p><p>“Hey honey, how was the shoot?” Steven greeted his husband with a smile.</p><p>“It was good, got to finish earlier than expected,” Andrew replied back before standing up straight again to look at Ryan. “And you guys were talking about me?” He inquired with an arched brow, looking to both Ryan and Steven.</p><p>“It was nothing,” Steven quickly said, glaring at Ryan to tell him to shut up.</p><p>Ryan shrugged, giving off a sarcastic expression. “I don’t know, it didn't seem like nothing.” He said and quickly moved to sit in his chair. “Why don’t you ask Steven Andrew?” He gave off the hint before putting on his earphone to give the couple some sense of privacy.</p><p>“Ask you what?” Andrew then inquired, looking at Steven and expecting the silveret to spill.</p><p>Steven grumbled, clearly not happy with his current predicament. “It was nothing, I just had some abdominal pain, but now it’s gone.”</p><p>“Your stomach hurt again?” Andrew said and he crouched down so he was close to the silveret’s stomach. “You said it was hurting the other day too right?” The blond put a gentle hand on Steven’s stomach. “I’m worried, we should get a doctor’s appointment soon.”</p><p>“You think so?” Steven questioned back, unsure. “I mean, we already have one next month.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m sure,” Andrew says and before they could continue their conversation they both heard Adam calling out for Andrew. “We'll continue this later.” The blond says as he stands up to place a kiss on Steven’s head. “I’ll text you if I’ll be late so you can go home early, okay?”</p><p>“Okay,” Steven replies back with a smile, looking up at his husband. “See you later.”</p><p>And with that, the blond left Steven so he can discuss their Tasty shoot with Adam.</p><p>In the end, Steven had to go home alone that day. There was still some pain at his lower back, but it was dulling now and in the back of his mind, Andrew’s words rang in his ears. <em> ‘I’m worried, we should get a doctor’s appointment soon.’ </em>. Usually, Steven didn’t know how to take care of his own health, always overworking himself to the point of exhaustion. If Andrew hadn’t been reminding him to take breaks, Steven would very well not be sleeping anymore due to wanting everything to be perfect with work.</p><p>Steven bit on his bottom lip, maybe a quick trip to the bathroom will clear his head. Maybe the abdominal pain is just him needing to pee or take a number two. He pulls down his jeans and underwear, noticing a brown almost reddening spot on his underwear.</p><p>The silveret quickly takes out his phone to text Andrew.</p><p><em> ‘I’m contacting our doctor to see if we can get a schedule for next week.’ </em>He types out and immediately sends it to his husband.</p><p>He doesn’t get a quick reply from Andrew, but by the time the blond did respond, Steven had already arranged a date with their doctor.</p><p>----------------------------------------</p><p>It’s only been a couple of days since the recent cramps, but Steven wakes up one night with the pain intensifying. It was enough to pull him out of his sleep and make the silveret curl up into a ball. Steven tried to reach out for his husband but there was no one sleeping beside him.</p><p>“Andrew?” Steven called out in pain as he tried to find the blond. “Andrew!” He called louder and he started to cry, this was starting to get out of hand and the silveret was becoming scared. The room was dark, cold, and he was alone. Steven started sniffling as he fought hard to try and reach out for their bedside lamp.</p><p>Everything in his system was tightening with pain and the silveret could barely even move a muscle. All of this was making him panic, making it hard for him to breathe.</p><p>“Andrew!” Steven screamed, crying out to his husband.</p><p>It hadn’t occurred to him what the time was and through his pain hazed mind, he also wasn’t able to hear the sound of the front door just opening, indicating that Andrew had just come back home from work.</p><p>“Andrew!” Steven shouted again as he cried, he wanted his husband with him right now, he wanted Andrew and he was scared. </p><p>He’s scared and alone, Steven’s not taking all of this well. “Andrew!”</p><p>One moment it was dark, then the next the door to their room opened and his husband was quickly running to his side.</p><p>“Steven, Steven,” The blond called out as he joined the silveret in their bed. “What’s wrong? Steven, what’s wrong?” Andrew said as he quickly turned on their lamp light and assessed his husband.</p><p>“It hurts, it hurts,” Steven wailed as he gripped tight at his husband’s arm. </p><p>“Shush, shush, it’s okay, I’m here.”  Andrew tried to soothe his husband’s panic as he took Steven into his arms. “Tell me where it hurts.”</p><p>Steven wrapped his arms around Andrew’s shoulder, pulling the blond close to him. “My stomach,” Steven whimpered.</p><p>“Okay, this is bad,” Andrew said and his words did not help in easing out Steven’s panic. “Baby, can you move? Let’s go get you checked out at a hospital okay?” His words were soft, trying to help calm Steven down and the silveret nodded along, forcing himself to move up.</p><p>Andrew helped his husband up and slowly, he supported Steven to start walking. They barely even made it to their hallway when Andrew could feel Steven’s knees shaking and the silveret clinging onto him more.</p><p>“Okay, I’m carrying you,”  Andrew stated as he shifted in his position.</p><p>“Andrew, I’m bleeding.” Steven’s voice was low and afraid, his eyes wide with fear.</p><p>The blond quickly looked down to see that Steven’s pajama pants had blood in them and Andrew’s felt his own blood run cold at the sight. “Fuck!” Andrew cursed as he quickly gathered Steven up in his arms and carried his husband. “Hold on to me, we’re rushing to the hospital.”</p><p>The cruor was sticking onto Andrew’s arms as he carried Steven out of their house, he hadn’t even bothered to lock their home, too panicked and afraid for his mate. He just grabbed their car keys then dashed their way to the nearest hospital. Behind him on the passenger’s seat, Andrew could see Steven from the rearview mirror, lying down from the pain as he continued crying. He curled in on himself and hugged his stomach.</p><p>“Andrew, my baby,” Steven told him in a small voice, not looking at the blond.</p><p>“It’s going to be okay,” Andrew tried to reassure his husband as he stepped on the gas. “Hold on, we’re almost there.” </p><p>Andrew hoped to god that it was going to be okay.</p><p>He rushed to the ER, not bothering to park their car anywhere else but the entrance as he carried Steven again inside. As soon as he was inside the hospital, a couple of nurses quickly came for their help. Someone brought out a gurney, so Andrew could lie his husband there.</p><p>“What happened to him?” One of the nurses inquired as they rushed Steven to one corner so they could give them some privacy with the hospital dividers.</p><p>“He told me his stomach started to hurt, then he suddenly started bleeding,” Andrew explained to the nurses and he watched as the professionals started to scissor Steven’s pajama pants to take a closer look.</p><p>“Andrew,” Steven called out to him, his hand reaching out for the blond. “Andrew, my baby, is my baby okay?”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“It’s-” And before Andrew could reply back to his husband, one of the nurses blocked him from doing so.</p><p>“I’m sorry sir, but we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”  She said and Andrew felt himself get angry at the nurse. </p><p>“No, I’m not leaving,” Andrew replied back, trying to keep calm. He was speaking to an omega nurse and he didn’t want to upset Steven anymore than he already was. “I can’t leave my husband.”</p><p>“Sir, I’m sorry but you can’t be here.” One of the nurses, an alpha this time and much taller than Andrew said. The alpha nurse gently guided the omega nurse back to their patient, letting the alpha deal with Andrew.</p><p>“But, my husband-” Andrew tried again.</p><p>“We’re doing everything we can, but we can’t work with you here.” He told Andrew as he led the blond out. “I’m sorry, but please be patient.”</p><p>Andrew was forced to comply, taking one last look at Steven before he got out. He could hear his husband crying, the divider was just a sheet of cloth, so Andrew had to fidget with his hand and walk anxiously for an update. It felt wrong that he wasn’t there comforting Steven, that he couldn’t reach out and hold Steven’s hand. The blond looked down at his arms and stared at the blood there.</p><p>“Fuck,” Andrew cursed again and he felt an ache in his chest. </p><p>He didn’t want to lose Steven or their baby.</p><p>The minutes dragged onto an hour, but it felt like an eternity to the blond. He could still hear Steven crying, but it had slowly quieted down as the nurses tried to calm him down.</p><p>And then, there was that unmistakable pained cry.</p><p>“No, no, no,” He heard Steven say and Andrew could already tell what that meant.</p><p>The divider opened again and Andrew didn’t even wait for the nurse to invite him back in. Andrew went to his mate’s side, trying to gauge what had made Steven so torn up, even when Andrew already knew… He was just denying it at this point.</p><p>He held the silveret’s face in his hands. “Steven, Steven,” Andrew called out.</p><p>“I lost him, I lost him, Andrew,” The silveret cried out, and hearing it come from Steven made it a hundred times worse. “My baby, Andrew, my baby,” </p><p>“I’m sorry sir,” One of the nurses, the alpha from earlier said and Andrew’s attention averted to him for a second. “We tried to save the baby, but we couldn’t.” The blond blindly tries to hold Steven’s hand and was thankful when the silveret caught Andrew’s hand for him. “We need to move your husband to a different room to get him cleaned up.”</p><p>“And my baby?” Steven asked and everyone looked to him. The silveret’s eyes were red, his cheeks stained with tears. “What about my baby?”</p><p>“Are you sure you want him?” The nurse inquired gently.</p><p>Andrew was at a loss for words. He held Steven’s hand and the silveret held onto him tighter. </p><p>“I want him,” Steven answered for the two of them.</p><p>The nurse nodded. “Okay, we’ll need to move you now.”</p><p>Andrew followed Steven and the nurses. They were given their own room for now, waiting for a doctor to come up and check on Steven. Making sure that there was nothing else wrong before the couple was allowed to leave the hospital.</p><p>The blond sat at the hospital bed, Steven clinging onto him as he cried. Andrew wrapped a hand around his husband, letting Steven sob onto his chest. He tried to stay strong for his omega, tried not to show how much it hurt him as well. Steven needed support right now and Andrew wasn’t going to allow himself to break down right now when Steven was in so much pain.</p><p>A doctor came to their room, informing the couple of what they already know. A miscarriage they said, normal to happen to every Omega or Beta that was carrying in their late trimester. </p><p>And then they were asked.</p><p>“Are you sure you’d like their remains?” The doctor inquired again, very gently to the couple.</p><p>Andrew felt as though there was something lodged in his throat and he couldn’t speak.</p><p>“I want to see them,” Steven said. “I want my baby.”</p><p>The doctor nodded and one of the nurses gave them a small plastic container. Steven took the container, it was transparent and the inside was filled with a murky dark liquid, but it wasn’t dark enough to hide the remains inside.</p><p>“Our condolences for your loss,” The doctor says and Andrew nods, he can’t bear to look at the container.  “We have cremations here if-”</p><p>“No!” Steven said and he sounded angry, as though what the doctor had said was insane. “We’re not cremating him! Andrew!”</p><p>“It’s okay, Steven, calm down,”  Andrew said as he rubbed the silveret’s back. “I’m sorry doctor,” Andrew said as he glanced at their doctor. “Can you please give us a moment?”</p><p>“Of course, please call out to our nurses if you need anything else.” And with that, the hospital staff left their room.</p><p>The room was filled with Steven’s cries, he watched the silveret hug the container. Muttering over and over again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” and Andrew’s heart broke at the sight.</p><p>Hours later, he and Steven were finally allowed to go home. Andrew drove in relative silence as Steven sat beside him. The silveret still cradled in his arms their child’s remains. Andrew still can’t find it in himself to look at the container. It crushed him, made him feel inadequate, made him feel like a failure… But worse of all, he hated looking at Steven and knowing that there was nothing he could do to take the pain away.</p><p>Andrew was completely and helplessly useless.</p><p>As they got home, the blond helped his husband stand. He had to hold the silveret and make sure he wasn’t going to fall. </p><p>“Steven, you should shower first,” Andrew told his mate when Steven tried to lead them to their bedroom.</p><p>The silveret shook his head no. “I want to sleep,” He said, voice tired and broken.</p><p>“I know you’re tired but-” He tried to console his husband, but Steven’s voice, emotionless and quick stopped him.</p><p>“Andrew, I just want to sleep.” He said without looking at the blond. “Please.”</p><p>Andrew sighed. “Okay,” He helped Steven to bed, the silveret hugging the container as he covered himself up with their blanket.</p><p>Andrew left his husband, for now, wanting to take a shower since there was still blood on him when he felt his phone ring in his pocket. It had rung earlier, but Andrew was far too preoccupied with his husband to care about who was calling him earlier. He took out his phone and saw that Adam was calling him, Andrew took one more look at Steven before he left their bedroom and answered the call.</p><p>“Hey,” Andrew greeted.</p><p>“Where are you?!” There was frustration in Adam’s voice as he spoke. “Do you know what time is it? We had a meeting today!”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m sorry,” Andrew said, completely forgetting about work. Silence filled their line and Adam quickly picked up that there was something wrong.</p><p>“Hey,” His voice softened. “Are you okay?”</p><p>Andrew tried to answer, but he felt his own voice try to betray him, breaking before he could even make a word. He cleared his throat and tried again. “No,” He answered honestly and Adam waited for him to continue. “We lost the baby.”</p><p>“What?” There was disbelief in Adam’s voice.</p><p>“I… We just got back from the hospital.” Andrew explained and he took in a deep breath to try and compose himself. “I’m sorry, it was all just happening so fast.” </p><p>“No, no, <em> I’m sorry </em> Andrew,” Adam said to his friend. “Fuck, don’t even worry about anything in the office. I’ll take care of it. Is Steven alright?”</p><p>“He’s uh…” Andrew started and he looked back at the door of their bedroom. “He’s sleeping. It was really hard on him.”</p><p>“Yeah, okay,” Adam replied back. “I’ll let you rest. Do you want me to tell HR?”</p><p>“That’d be great, thanks Adam,” Andrew said, thankful for the other.</p><p>“Don’t mention it, take care.” </p><p>“You too,” He ended their call and stood at their hallway in relative silence. He didn’t know what to do, what to think of, how to <em> react </em> . Like he had told Adam earlier, everything had happened too fast and Andrew didn’t even have time to comprehend everything. Yet, at the same time, he wasn’t even sure he was ready for it all to register in his brain, Andrew wasn’t sure if he <em> wanted </em> to understand it all.</p><p>He doesn’t know for how long he stands there, phone in his hand spacing out and staring at god knows what. He snaps out of his trance, looks down on his hands.</p><p>Steven’s blood is still in his hands.</p><p>“Shower,” Andrew mutters, as though he was commanding himself softly. “Yeah, shower, I need one.” He reminds himself.</p><p>He takes a shower methodically, trying to keep his mind as empty as possible, he hyper fixated on the soap, the shampoo, the water, rubbing his skin almost red just to make sure that the blood leaves him, that there’s no amount nor trace of it on him.</p><p>Because he can’t, he can’t think about it.</p><p>“Fuck,” He says in frustration and Andrew rests his arms against the wall of their shower. He stays there, trying to keep every thought away, just wanting everything to be silent. </p><p>He focuses on the shower, the water running through him, and the sounds of it all.</p><p>It still doesn’t distract him.</p><p>After cleaning himself up and putting on comfortable clean clothes, Andrew decided not to disturb his husband. Steven was still sleeping in their bed, nestled in a pile of blankets and pillows as he holds-</p><p>No.</p><p>Andrew doesn’t want to think about it.</p><p>He looks away, not being able to spare a glance at it.</p><p>He goes to their dining room, takes out his laptop, and works.</p><p>-------------------------------------------</p><p>By the time Steven had woken up, the room was darkening. He could see from the window that it was twilight. He supposes that it was nearing night time and he should get up. His body feels weak, everything hurt, and he was starting to feel very hot under all of the covers. He shifts and feels the container in his hands.</p><p>Tears come to the corner of his eyes and Steven sniffles.</p><p>He hugs the container closer to him, trembling in anguish and grief.</p><p><em> “My baby, my baby,” </em>He whispered softly in a pained voice, full of disbelief. </p><p>This was not happening.</p><p>He cried till he got tired, till he felt the old tears drying, and making him feel worse. </p><p><em> ‘I need to get up,’ </em>Steven muses internally. It won’t help him to wallow in his pain, but what else can he do?</p><p>He feels nothing but pain.</p><p>He sits up from bed, noting that his husband is nowhere to be found. Steven cradles the container one last time, holding it close to his chest before he reluctantly lets it go. He places the container at their bedside table and goes to their bathroom to freshen up.</p><p>It was horrible and he barely has the energy to do so. His legs were wobbly and he almost feels faint, but he could feel crusted sanguine on his skin and Steven needs to get that off. He needs to clean himself no matter how hard it is.</p><p>By the time he’s under the shower, he cries again and lets the harsh hot water numb him.</p><p>After cleaning himself up, Steven couldn’t bear to not have the container in his hands. This was his child, his baby, his and Andrew’s baby. There was some lingering comfort in the fact that his baby was in hands but… The pain was still there, he didn’t know which one he felt more, the comfort or the pain of holding your dead child in your hands.</p><p>He goes out of their room, thinking of grabbing a bite to eat. His stomach was starting to hurt from not eating all day long and he also wanted to find Andrew. Steven could hear the clicking sounds of a keyboard typing away in their dining room, the silveret decided to follow that sound. Their house was dark and quiet, save for the typing, the only light illuminating in their home was from the area where Steven knows Andrew is at.</p><p>He enters the dining room, watching Andrew from the hallway intensely focused on the screen of his laptop.</p><p>“Hey,” Steven called out to the other.</p><p>Andrew looks up from his laptop, looking a tad bit surprised as he turns to look at Steven. The blond stares at Steven and for a moment, Steven could see the flash of pain in his husband’s face. Andrew looks away from him.</p><p>“Hey, you feeling better?” There’s a monotonous tone in his voice as he puts his attention back to the screen.</p><p>Steven tries not to let it get to him.</p><p>“A bit, it’s still hard to walk.” He says as he moves to go to their kitchen. </p><p>Andrew stands up from his chair, going to the silveret’s side as he gently grabs a hold at Steven’s arm. “Why don’t you sit down? I can make us dinner.” He tells him softly and Steven nearly melts back into Andrew’s arms.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Okay,” He replies back, voice low and weak.</p><p>Andrew leans up to kiss Steven’s head before he helps the silveret to the dining table. </p><p>Andrew continued to avert his gaze, not looking at the silveret for more than a second the entire night. By the time they were both finished with dinner, the couple retreated to their bedroom to sleep again. Andrew wrapped Steven in his arms, pulling the omega close to him as they both fell asleep.</p><p>The next day, Andrew had to go to work while Steven was left alone at the house. The doctor had instructed that the silveret get at least two rest days before trying to go back to work. Andrew hated to leave Steven all alone in their home, the silveret’s mind full of negative thoughts and cradling in his arms…</p><p>Andrew didn’t want to think about it again.</p><p>He woke up early, made sure to prepare meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for his husband. Most of them just needed to be reheated and the blond tried to put as many blankets, snacks, and hell even books in their room so that Steven wouldn’t have to go around their house walking with difficulty. </p><p>He sorely wishes that he could stay at home with Steven.</p><p>“Steven,” Andrew murmurs as he tries to wake his husband up. “Steven, wake up.” He says gently as he cards his fingers at silver locks and kisses the omega’s temples.</p><p>Steven groans, shifting uncomfortably as he slowly wakes up. He barely even opens his eyes as he says. “What?”</p><p>“I’m going to work,” Andrew tells him and Steven opens his eyes to look up at his husband. “I made food and I moved most of our stuff here at our room.” He informs the other as he continues to brush his hand on the silveret’s hair. “Call me immediately if you need anything alright?”</p><p>“You’re leaving?” Steven says, his voice hushed as though he was afraid to say it in the first place.</p><p>Andrew kisses his forehead. “Sorry, but if you want I can stay here. I can call the office.” He gives out another option to the silveret. Andrew himself didn’t want to leave and if Steven tells him not to go, the blond would be more than happy to stay.</p><p>There’s relative silence between them, Steven weighing down his options. Andrew was about to say that he’ll just screw it and stay, but the silveret beat him to it. “It’s okay,” Steven tells him softly. “I’ll be fine.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Andrew checks and Steven looks at him in the eyes.</p><p>Andrew feels horrible at having to look at his husband in the eyes because he feels every bit as inadequate as a husband for letting this happen to them. </p><p>He gazes away from Steven, failing to see the look of sudden despair that covers the silveret’s features.</p><p>The omega pulls the sheets up to his face, feeling far too hurt by the action. “Yeah, it’s alright.” Steven tries not to choke at his words.</p><p>“Okay,” The silveret feels a kiss on his head again, but this time blocked by the sheets he held. “I’ll call you later.” And with that, Steven hears the blond walk out of their room and close the door.</p><p>He waits to hear Andrew leave their apartment before Steven goes back into dissolving into tears in their bed.</p><p>Steven doesn’t get up till late afternoon, he had been staring into the walls the entire time. He still held in his arms the container, he couldn’t bear to let go of it. His trance was broken when he heard his phone ring. The silveret contemplated whether he should answer it or not, slowly averting his attention to the sound.</p><p>He waits, a couple of seconds pass by.</p><p>He decides that he should answer the call since it’s most likely Andrew.</p><p>The silveret sits up and takes his phone, seeing that it is his husband calling him. </p><p>“Hey,” Andrew starts. “How you feeling?”</p><p>Steven’s silent for a few seconds, letting it all register. He has a headache and he just now realized that he’s in no mood nor state to talk right now.</p><p>“Steven?” Andrew’s voice over the phone almost hurts his ears. “Hey? Are you there?”</p><p>“Sorry,” The silveret finally answers, finding his voice. “I just woke up.” He lies.</p><p>“Oh,” There’s a tone of reluctance now, Andrew sounding apologetic. “Sorry, for waking you up. I just wanted to know if you ate already.”</p><p>“I haven’t,” Steven rubs his face. “But, I’ll eat now. Thank you for reminding me.”</p><p>He could almost hear the smile in Andrew’s voice. “No problem, I just wanted to make sure you’re feeling better now.”</p><p>His words immediately did make Steven feel better, even if it was just a bit. </p><p>“Thanks, honey,” Steven replies.  “How about you?”</p><p>“Just getting lunch now,” Andrew informs him. “I miss you.”</p><p>He doesn’t know why it both makes him better but at the same time hurts him to talk to Andrew.</p><p>“I miss you too,” Steven answers as he clutches at the container in his arms. “Will you be coming home soon?” He inquires in a small meek voice.</p><p>“Yeah, I told HR that I need to be home early. Adam’s going to send me the video files so I can work there instead.” The blond informs. “Are you sure you’re okay? I can leave now if you want.” He suggests it gently.</p><p>Steven stops, feeling a lump in his throat. He wants to say yes, he wants to tell Andrew to please come home as quickly as possible, for Andrew to come back and wrap Steven in his arms, to comfort the silveret and just be with him.</p><p>“It’s okay,” Steven says instead against his will. “You need to work first.”</p><p>“If you’re sure,” Andrew responds and it sounds as though the blond himself was pleading for Steven to tell him to come back home. “Take care okay? I need to go grab lunch.”</p><p>“I love you,” Steven tells him.</p><p>“I love you too,” Andrew responds before their call ends.</p><p>He goes to their kitchen, heating up the simple pork and rice that Andrew probably cooked this morning. There was also chicken soup in the fridge so Steven takes that as well, he doesn’t know how much he wants to eat or if he can even eat at all… But he at least has to try.</p><p>Meal on the table and Steven sitting in front of it, his eyes avert instead to the container he had placed on the table. It was too hard to be away from it, he needed to see it, always touching it, it physically <b> <em>hurt</em> </b> him to not have his baby in his arms. Steven placed a hand on his stomach, suddenly feeling himself lose appetite even when he was hungry just mere minutes ago.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” He whispers, letting tears flow again as he hugs his stomach tighter. “I’m so sorry.”</p><p>---------------------------------------</p><p>The days feel like they passed by in a blur. Steven was able to go back to work, but it felt as though everyone was now walking on eggshells with him. He can’t really blame them, the silveret knows he looks like shit. There are bags under his eyes and he barely talks to anyone nowadays. He buries himself in work, only chatting with people when there’s a need to do it. Ryan and Shane had invited him to go out a couple of times, him and Andrew to be specific but Steven always declines nowadays.</p><p>All he wants to do is go back home so he can see his baby.</p><p>Everything hurts and he still can’t go back to his normal life.</p><p>“Maybe we should go see your therapist,” Andrew suggested to him one weekend while sitting at their living room couch. A silence had befallen on them when the duo had sat at the couch, a good distance between them. It wasn’t the comfortable type of silence, but a tensed one instead.</p><p>They haven’t been comfortable with each other ever since that day.</p><p>“If you think so,” Steven answers back. There was nothing to watch on TV so it was off and Steven had been staring into space the entire time as he held his child in his hands.</p><p>Andrew hasn’t been able to look at him for weeks now and Steven hasn’t had the time, energy, nor <em> heart </em> to tell him about it. It hurts. <b> <em>It hurts him so badly</em> </b> and Steven feels as though he’s going to cry every time he sees Andrew now.</p><p>He knows that the blond probably <em>blames </em><b><em>him</em></b> for not being a good omega who couldn’t carry their child, but Steven can’t bring himself to talk to Andrew about it.</p><p>He doesn’t want to have to bring up the fact that their child is dead and Steven is still cradling them in his arms after weeks.</p><p>“Yeah, I think it’s for the best,” Andrew tells him, he hasn’t looked at Steven at least once since he had entered the living room. “You need to talk to someone.”</p><p>“I can talk to you,” Steven tells him and he looks at his husband, pleading for Andrew to look at him, just <em> look at him </em>.</p><p>Andrew gazes for a split second, looking to Steven’s direction. But, it doesn’t last long, Andrew still won’t look at him.</p><p>“I know,” The blond answers. “And you always can talk to me,” Steven feels as though Andrew is lying to him through his teeth and the silveret has to grip tighter onto the container for comfort. “But, this is serious…” Andrew tries to continue, trying to say the words he’s been avoiding and <em> dreading </em> to say. “It’s…” He tries.</p><p>He sighs and shakes his head.</p><p>“You just need to.” He finishes instead.</p><p>“Of course it’s serious,” Steven answers him as he looks down at the container. “I never said it wasn’t.” There’s an apologetic tone in Steven’s words.</p><p>Andrew grips at the pillow of their couch. He said it wrong but he doesn’t know how to remedy it. He keeps quiet, trying to find the right words to say to his husband. “I’ll schedule you a meeting with your therapist, I’ll go talk to HR so they can give you a couple of days off-”</p><p>“You’re not coming with me?” Steven asks him.</p><p>Andrew stops, thinks again for a moment.</p><p>He doesn’t want to have to deal with it. </p><p>He doesn’t want to think about it.</p><p>He doesn’t want to believe it's real in general.</p><p>But god, he’d do everything just to make sure that Steven would turn out alright in all of this.</p><p>“I need to work,” Andrew answers him instead. “Between the two of us, someone’s gotta work.”</p><p>Steven starts to curl away from him as though he’s afraid and Andrew feels a spark of anger within him. Not for Steven, never for his omega. But for himself. </p><p>He’s so angry with himself that he doesn’t know what to do with all of this emotion except for bottling it all up and pushing them all deep down inside.</p><p>He doesn’t want this to consume both him and Steven together.</p><p>Fuck it all, he just wants Steven to feel better.</p><p>“But, what about you?” Steven tries, his voice so small and weak Andrew almost doesn’t hear it. “You need to talk about it too.”</p><p>No, he doesn’t. Andrew wants to answer <em> ‘No, I don’t </em> <b> <em>want</em> </b> <em> to talk about it.’ </em> . He wants to tell his husband that he wants to avoid it at all costs, that he wants to think that this part of their lives never <em> ever </em>existed. He just wants to get this over with.</p><p>That if he could, he would erase this from their minds forever because, not for one second, does he even want to think about it.</p><p>“It’s fine,” Andrew says. “I don’t need it.”</p><p>“So, you’re saying I need it but you don’t?” </p><p>“Yes.” It doesn’t register to Andrew how wrong his answer is and how much it hurt his husband.</p><p>He just wants this conversation to be over.</p><p>“Is it because you think it’s my fault?” Steven tells him, voice tired and pained.</p><p>“What?” Andrew quickly looks to his omega in disbelief. <em> How could Steven say that? </em> When did he ever make the silveret feel as though he blamed him?</p><p>“You do, don’t you?” Steven continues and he could hear the silveret sniffle. “You blame me and I know it’s my fault and I’m so sorry.” Steven rubs his eyes to wipe away the tears. “But, it’s not like I did it on purpose Andrew. I’d never kill our baby.” His voice breaks and it was all it took for Andrew to stand up and kneel in front of Steven.</p><p>“Steven, I don’t think that,” Andrew tells him gently, wishing he could just take the pain away. <em> Steven never deserves to experience such pain like this </em> . He holds the silveret’s hand, explicitly trying to avoid the container. “Baby, I would <em> never </em> think that, why would you-”</p><p>“You’re lying,” Steven tells him and he grips tighter at Andrew’s hand. “You don’t have to lie to me Andrew, I know it’s my fault. You can say it, I wasn’t a good omega, I should’ve listened to you, I didn’t take care of myself properly and now our baby-”</p><p>Andrew stands up so he could hug his husband, shushing him quietly as he tries to calm the omega down. Steven was heavily upset now, his pheromones giving out an anguished scent and it was all too much. Andrew gently brushes his fingers against silver locks and he scents his omega as he tenderly rubs their cheeks together. “Shuush, it’s okay Steven, it’s okay. Baby, calm down.”</p><p>Steven grips at Andrew’s shirt and he cries harder, trembling underneath the alpha. “I’m sorry Andrew, I’m so sorry.” He apologizes with tears streaming down his cheeks, holding onto his alpha as though his life depended on it.</p><p>He was so ashamed, so hurt, and so rueful. </p><p>He wishes he could do all of it differently and better, because<em> how could he do this Andrew?  </em>How could he do this to them?</p><p>Steven feels as though the guilt could just eat him up whole.</p><p>Andrew takes Steven’s face into his hands, it broke his heart to see his mate so torn up like this. “Steven, no, don't say that. It’s not your fault.” Andrew tells him again, because how the <em> fuck </em> was it his fault? How the fuck did his omega ever think that this was all his fault? “You heard the doctor right? Miscarriages happen often, especially in the trimester, this is not your fault.”</p><p><em> ‘It’s mine,’ </em>Andrew wants to say because it is. It is his fault and how can he face Steven when he did something so horrible?</p><p>How could he ever look at his husband in the face again? Andrew has no face to show.</p><p>“Then, why don’t you look at me anymore?” Steven asks him and Andrew stops. He did hold Steven to look at him properly, but it’s so difficult to do. It's too difficult to look into the silveret's eyes and be reminded of his sins and inadequacy.</p><p>He feels so guilty that he has to look away in shame.</p><p>“See? You can’t look me in the eyes anymore.” Steven tells him and Andrew does this time, look at the silveret in the eyes. “You never look at me anymore. You always look away.” He sees the tears, the pain in his husband’s eyes, all this time that Andrew was looking away he never tried to comprehend the fact that Steven was not only mourning but was in so much pain because of Andrew…</p><p>Andrew has not only avoided their problem but avoided his own husband in return.</p><p>“It’s so hard,” Andrew admits and he feels a lump in his throat and tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. “It’s so hard to look at not you, but our baby.” He says for the first time since that night at the hospital.</p><p>He finally acknowledges their baby again after all those weeks.</p><p>“I look at you and I see our baby in your hands and it hurts Steven, it hurts,” Andrew tells him, and the blond breaks down as well. “I don’t want to think about it, I don’t see it, I don’t want to <strong><em> accept </em></strong> that it happened and there was nothing I could do.” Andrew slowly feels his knees weaken until he’s kneeling back down on the floor. His hands lay limp at Steven, head bowed down in shame as he hides away from his husband, hides his shame and faults as he confesses.</p><p>He confesses all the feelings and pain that he locked up for the past weeks. “I feel so useless and helpless. I should’ve taken better care of you, I should’ve been more attentive, I should’ve <em> realized </em> sooner that there was something wrong and I should’ve taken you to a doctor sooner and it’s <b> <em>my fault</em> </b> , <b> <em>it’s all my fault and I’m so sorry.”</em> </b> Andrew cries.</p><p>“I can’t even look at our baby because it hurts so much to think that we could’ve given them such a good life, that we could’ve made them so happy and <b> <em>I </em> </b> failed them before they were even born. <b> <em>I failed both of you</em> </b> .” He admits, asking Steven for forgiveness. Asking his mate if he could <em> ever forgive Andrew </em> for all the wrong things he had done. “I’m so sorry for not being enough and failing both of you Steven, I’m so <em> so </em> sorry for not being able to protect and care for you.” He sobs.</p><p>He feels Steven let his hands go and stand up. Andrew could already tell that this would be the last straw. Steven would get up and leave, he’d tell Andrew that this was all a mistake and that they need to be away from each other. He’d tell Andrew that this marriage was a mistake and that he needs to leave and-</p><p>Steven joins him down on the floor and he hugs the blond, taking Andrew into his arms as he cries. </p><p>Andrew rests his head on Steven’s shoulder.</p><p>“It’s nobody’s fault,” Steven tells him, and hearing the omega say it, Andrew feels a burden be lifted from his chest and he has to hug his husband close and tight to him. “It’s nobody’s fault.”</p><p>----------------------------------------------</p><p>They’re in the car and there’s a silence between them again. But this time, the silence was out of respect. No words needed to be said right now, only their presence were needed. Andrew takes Steven’s hand into his own as he drives. He intertwines their fingers together before kissing at the silveret’s knuckles. Steven looks at him and Andrew looks back reassuringly.</p><p>“It’s going to be fine,” He tells his husband.</p><p>“I know,” Steven replies back and they both look down at the container, their child. “It’s for the best.”</p><p>“We’re going to be alright,” Andrew reassures him again. “We’re going to be alright.”</p><p>They arrive at the funeral home exactly at the time they had scheduled. The funeral director was very accomodating, solemnly leading them to the place where they can pick out a small coffin to put their child in. The coffin was almost as small as the container, then they were led to the church right next to the funeral home. The church had a small cemetery behind it, the couple had already asked and were permitted to bury their child in the grounds.</p><p>By the time they had arrived at the graveyard, a priest was already waiting for them and a small hole for their baby had already been dug.</p><p>The coffin was laid down and the priest said a small sermon and prayer.</p><p>Steven held onto Andrew, wrapping his arms around the blond for support. He cried the entire time and watched the coffin of their child on the ground. Andrew held his husband and let Steven’s head rest on his shoulder.</p><p>They watched the coffin be buried then thanked the people for their help.</p><p>“We’re going to be okay,” Andrew reminded his husband as they stayed at their place, looking at the buried remains of their child. He kissed Steven’s head and comforted him. He’d do anything to make it okay again.</p><p>“I know,” Steven replied back and he intertwined their hands together again. “We’ll get through this together.”</p><p>Andrew nods and he slowly starts to walk away with his husband. “Let’s go home.”</p>
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